Free.

I'm free.

Free from you.

Free to be me.

When it breaks.

I dreamt of you. God, how strange, to dream of someone like you. It's been years since I've transcended from a dream into another dream, and carried it on with someone else as well. You stand, 5 " 5, red coat, brown duffel bag, black floral tights and a pair of dolly shoes. Red hair as well. It's cut, jagged but styled.

So there you were, standing in an airport terminal, surrounded by people and noises, yet still you remain alone. Just there, knowing that you'll see someone soon, and you'll be going away from it all to somewhere far and wide.

Now, I ask myself nothing, I just do. I walk towards you, grab your hand, and you grab mine. We run, hearing echoes of whistles of fat security guards, their boots treading the ground hard, whilst your dolly shoes and my Vans fly.

We're nearly there, ready to board and depart, just waiting to leave this dream, and enter the timezone of another. You don't know why but you laugh constantly, and I follow suit. We don't know each other at all, but we know we want to run.

So, we board the plane, but it's a shell of a plane and a doorway to another world. A land of autumn. Leaves of Japanese blossom trees all shed their bodies and fall to the ground as we do too. The whole crew is sitting on the concrete floor as we look around us. A forest of blossom trees all performing for us.

I close my eyes and know you do too. Tighter grip on your hand, we descend further, and land onto a road, and you open your eyes. You can vaguely hear some television in the background but ignore it. Instead, you pirouette as I spin your elegance a few rotations, back and forth, giggling away and smiling.

"Come on. Let's go," you say. I follow. "Ok, Levee."

"Levee, not Levee."

I won't make the mistake again, as we walk through and past all these abandoned apartments. We sight your favourite restaurant, and we enter the Chinese place. You find a place to sit and light a cigarette. I find out I've been chain smoking. A hell of a lot it seems, the cough I've got is quite a wheezy one.

But I order, and you sit there, elegance defined. Your smile hides a wink, and then reveals it, and I knew that as the phone rang in my pocket, the dream was over.

Line after line.

She finds the times
To tear a hole in our life
And make my words seem sublime
Now there's a line where they arrive.

It's hard to understand the line
When you see so many drift by
Holding onto dignity so fine
Until you let go of it and fly.

Godforsaken yet always sublime
Hard to the skin yet so soft to the mind
A certain ease she slips into time
Cushion the thought now, its not so blind.

words

as i traipsed around the whole of portsmouth drunken and carrying my kens chicken i notice how dumb it looks the landscape the scenery the drunk lads on the drunk slags and all those cabs waiting to rape your money away acting dumb and naive wasting ten pound notes whilst you try to direct your way home its such a joke now you think why the fuck did i spend that cash on chicken it tastes so shit but i like it and i feel like drinking more but shes here and she wasnt here for chicken shes here for someone me i dont know but i want it now the food is so warm and also the cab is and i want to get out now and sleep eat or fuck but theres nothing to do right now except wait and lights are bright they seem so bright so loving and harsh as well jager bombs wow so many jager bombs the trains sound themselves here like klaxons and warnings so loud like an explosion why am i here i dont get it anymore am i drunk carried away or just wasted so wasted talent gone to a tack a hack i need something calm a cup of tea id kill a man a dog a tree for a cuppa now why do i wait so long for all this im home shes here shes looking for somthing to get out but she tags hands hold and food is eaten doors open we assemble out its cold but warm and food is warmer and drinks are drunk we are upstairs lights on off now touch and sleep.

Here's to you, kiddo.

We come to regret the things we said when we were young, but never regret. Never feel like you've got to have an explanation. Fuck explanations. Who cares what you think anyways?

Today I had an epithany. Looking at Alfred Lord Tennyson's 'Ullysses', I realised, that everything we do, at any age, doesn't matter, as long as we see that it gets done and we get pleasure out of it. Because as dumbassed as it sounds, we always question the meaning of life. We all want to get the best out of a situation, mostly one that gets us what we want.

A tale of midlife crisis can also appeal to a 20 year old still. I mean, in those days, we'd be seen as ancient. If you lived to 40, you'd be heralded as the old wise man who no one really cares about opinion-wise. Right now, I'm contemplating about what really matters. Right now, you matter. Yeah, you, person who for some odd reason decided to peek at this rubbish blog. Usually, you get some piss poor attempt at poetry or prose, but here's some profound love instead.

I mean it. I appreciate that you care enough for a minute to glimpse at my predicaments, my issues, my troubled and always fucked up love life, and also the moments of happiness and joy. Your dedication is my muse.

So, here's a cigar. Raise an invisible glass, and wish yourself a happy day, and a night you'll remember.

Adolescent Youth

Child was I, now adolescent youth
Sixteen a dream of uselessness in time
Played such mindgames, drinking without a care
Become a man: now leave your past behind
Naivety and foolishness of pride
Once lust was love attainable in life
But bittersweet it seemed to me a lie

I Remember.

There was nothing unusual about that day. It was still warm for September, but I reckon that was about it. The windows remained shut in Mr.Cooper's class and we were all waiting for our texts books to be delivered so we could start History. 

But something happened. Screams, wails, sounds of hysterical crying from nearby seemed to spread across the halls. Somehow I knew something big had happened, and a lot of commotion seemed to come out of nowhere. outside the room, suddenly the door opened and the whole class was taken to Ms. Lyons' classroom. For what reason, I didn't know, but everyone suddenly seemed to be dead silent.

Weeping, but still silent. I was around 10 years old at the time, and it's nearly been over a decade since, but seeing something so shocking and life-changing with the words 'LIVE' at the bottom of a screen can change everything. I was crouched on the ground surrounded by about 20 of my classmates, sitting right in front of this beat up 1970s coloured screen. I was watching the second plane crash into the second tower of the World Trade Center.

Some people laughed. Others cried. But mostly everyone stood or sat in shock. That's the one thing I remember, more than the colour or size of the explosion of the plane, or the buildings collapsing, or even going home (which to this day I can't seem to picture) or even having those tears stream down my face. It's something you expect to see in Hollywood movies, not at the age of 10. To see something like this happen on live television, it remains to this day the most shocking and vivid event I've ever witnessed.

It's as if time stood still. Someone behind me said "Wow", another had to be taken to the nurse, who I'm sure of now needed a nurse herself after seeing that. We all did. 

What's made me angry is not the attack itself, don't get me wrong. What made me angry after all these years is that I know that was the moment my childhood innocence was taken from me and came to an abrupt end.  At age 10, of all times to end. To see such utter devastation, complete carnage and chaos, and that amount of human suffering, it was something out generation should have never had to face.

I've also thought about why the teachers put us in that room to feel the need to let us witness something as horrific as this. It's the worse comparison I could ever want to say, but in a way it was like our generation's Moon landing, our freeing of Nelson Mandela, our Berlin Wall collapsing. Why were we made to see this?

But we did see it, one way or another. I'm sure the person sitting next to you, behind you, or near you seems to be able to picture where they were on 9/11. All I want to say is, that after nearly a decade since the event, after 10 years of growing up, I can say that this moment will forever remain a part of me, like a stain that never fades completely. But with time, this stain becomes less and less, as I'm sure whoever is reading this feels as well.

Speechless.

That's what she makes me feel. When I woke up at 6:22 this afternoon, I was dreaming that a phone call was going off on the side of the cupboard. I don't care if you don't believe me, but after seeing the number, and waking drowsily, she said 'Hello?' and that's all that she had to say. But we spoke, and thirty minutes later, somehow we're together.

We met each other a long time ago. And if you saw my old post 'The Biggest Regret'... Well, she's given me a second chance, and that is the biggest and most brave thing I've ever seen anyone do. I'm actually speechless. I'm lost for words trying to describe her, honestly. If you saw her, you'd know why. I mean, she's absolutely gorgeous, and that's without the make up.

If beauty decided to descend and grace one human being with her face, it's her. You have no idea as to what she means to me. She's not the 'ex', she's not the girl you meet for one night at the club, she's not my Winona, but she comes absolutely damn close to it.

I just felt like everything that she said in the letter before I left was just the most amazingly heartfelt thing anyone had ever written or said to me in my life. Upto now, it's still like 'wow' as to how you could pour your feelings into that letter, and when I first opened it, I remember there were like small wet places, like tears had hit the page, and that just completely shocked me.

I realised that I'd lost someone close, someone so special in my life and that I'd made the biggest mistake of my life, and that you had shown me nothing but love. But now, now, you're back in my life, and I'll make damn sure I don't throw you away. Because, sloppy love stuff put aside, I can't think of anything or anyone who could make me feel the way you do.

Hygiene and the Modern Student (or How I Learnt To Stop Worrying And Get Along With Dirt) part 1

Clean rooms, a neat bed and a fresh scent. You can leave those little things by the generic uni door, and come inside a world of absolute filth. Well, that’s what everyone says about the average student. Me, I live with a bunch of clean freaks, ones that think any type of bacteria inside their room could exterminate the human race, so plenty of Cif, sponges and rubber gloves seem to pass by my place.

My room doesn’t seem so much of a tip, but it does have this feel of tardiness that lingers, as I’m writing this on an overcluttered table and a laptop that’s about the only thing new in this room. Discarded cans and bottles, remnants of several good nights in and out, and also a bunch of wrappers, tissues from my flu inside a Co-op bag and a bunch of papers all stacked on top of each other, waiting to fall.

I’m not a messy person, although it’s been a nickname once in while used by the parents, I’ve always stayed 

moderately clean, and that reflects in this place I’m staying at. Washing usually seems to accumulate inside the baskets and at the last minute, I always seem to be bothered enough to do some washing, I do.

The floordrobes most people I know have in their little caves seem hilarious, as they usually say a lot about the person. If I ever use anyone’s loo, I never try to judge their bathrooms, it’s like World War III decided to pay a visit to most of their places. Usually, it’s the female side that lets us university students down big time, because most of the time I visit, it does seem like at the worst times, or maybe it’s because they don’t care or something.

Not that I’m saying every friend or girl’s place I’ve been to is a ridiculous mess, but it’s near to that idea. The floor is the main issue, not the walls, or the bathroom, or even the cupboard, but last Halloween I went to a party, and after using a friend’s loo, I saw the most ridiculous room in my halls. 

A half broken TV displaying white noise whilst the centerpiece was covered in clothes, pants, shirts, empty polystyrene Ken’s chips and nugget boxes, books being used as coasters for cups all full of God knows what liquids, and a stench that could only be described as something of a combining quagmire of sweat, weed, and  week old milk.

Sometimes I wonder if the whole generation I’m in forgot what a presentable room was, and the word tidy is. The expected view of hygiene for us isn’t just about the place we live in. Mostly it’s about appearance, and also acceptance. People judge others for not only their looks but for how others perceive the place they live at, basically the music they’ve got on show, the books they read, the TV shows and movies that they watch, and the poison they drink.

Hate.

I hate you. I hate your smile. I hate your way of logic. I hate the way you seem to want control over the most decided things. I hate the postures you take when we've all reached agreements. I hate how you change your mood like you change your hair colour. I hate the way you laugh. I hate the way you seem to act all innocent, when we all know you're far from an angel. I hate your language. I hate your Facebook comments. I hate your chats with me, acting interested then switching off completely.

I hate your ignorance of the world and expecting to be all belligerent. I hate how you seem to only need me for an answer to a question you already know. I hate how you drop in and out of my life whenever you feel like it. I hate how you have to have a say in everything. I hate the way you look at me. I hate your height. I hate your lack of decency over touchy subjects. I hate your lack of love. I hate your music taste. I hate the way you dress. I hate your smell. I hate the way you seem to be some kind of a better person by ignoring people. I hate the way you hate me. I hate the love you gave me and then took away.

I hate the stupid things that seem to always be linked to me and you. I hate that you gave up when you never even knew me. I hate your 50/50 mindset. I hate your childish outlook on life, then act like you're the mature one. I hate how idiotic you make people feel. I hate the fact that I know you. I hate that we never talk. I hate that we share so much, and you seem to have got it all now. I hate that feeling that whenever we're near each other, we're the furthest apart. I hate that I can't even look at you anymore without feeling a sense of utter regret. I hate that I messed up with someone like you. I hate your sense of knowing so much about absolutely nothing. I hate that you're content.

I hate your whole existence, Flynn. I really do.

Yours hatefully, your super ego.

Heresy

The rows of men all shuffle to slavery’s beat,

Remind their heresy as they bloody their feet

Blasphemed aplenty, they are now tongueless voices,

Cut out and hung on their chests, their choices,

Faceless and blinded angels all strung high in shame,

I have turned my back and forsaken my Lord’s name,

Above they bleed on rocks and barbed chains of misery,

I see all my sins crawl in front of me,

Wearing ropes made of mortal skin,

Burning away on grounds that do not grow,

Tear blistering flesh of fallen angels, hear them sing,

As infernal heats rise from the hatreds below,

Forests of the Suicide shriek and howl of lives took,

As fires rage around fueled by His word and book,

The never-ending sound of souls torn apart,

Set ablaze on Lucifer’s heart.

My Lennan Sidhe.

The clock doesn’t strike, because there’s no time in this neighbourhood. All I hear are screaming sirens sailing off into the morning, with echoing whispers from the wind that slides from street to street. In the middle of nowhere, and not knowing what I’m doing in these robes and sandals when its minus degrees outside.

They thought it’d be funny to strand me in this desolate place, and now I’m trying to figure out exactly what this place is. To be seen in this is something no one should have to endure, especially the natives of Southsea. It’s colder than a witch’s tit here, and not even God knows how I’ll get back to civilization.

I’ve had more than enough and it’s the proverbial blanket that surrounds me, not the Primark ones that cover my torso and arse, and equipped with about as much sense of direction as a blind man without a stick, I might as well face it. I’m fucked.

Each shivering second as I pass each generic road and each crappy hedge or wall, everything suddenly emerges. It’s just all one big joke, me, this, everything. I try to laugh but the air escapes my frozen lungs like the thought does.

I would worry, but the temperature’s the only thing seeming to cling onto me bar the toga, and I don’t think it’s funny anymore. Banter? They can stick that banter right up their third year arses.

I seem to have some form of a natural instinct of being absolutely useless with directions other than when I’m completely shitfaced, and in this case, I seem to be absolutely proven right. But every step I take, the buildings I recognize seem to have this ability to hide somehow, mask themselves from my own eyes. I must be high, or something.

I stop for a second to think, but thinking is about as useful as pissing on your own shoes. I try my phone again, try to ring, but clichéd as hell, the battery seems to have committed cellular suicide. Shit.

Suddenly, I look up and she’s there. Middle of the road, red dress. Hot. One shoe lying there askew next to her bottle of Smirnoff, lit cigarette smog seems to linger in the air. I recognize her, partially, one because she’s got her back to me and two it’s three in the bloody morning.

Thinking I’d look a dick for asking directions, especially as incapacitated as I could be, I try to act as normal as humanly possible and fail miserably. Instead of being cool, I act as if I haven’t seen her and she hasn’t glimpsed me. Play around with the dead phone, try to look like you’re actually popular, or some nonsense like that. Yeah, act popular.  I then somehow slowly make my way past and towards her. 

She turns. Sees me. Smiles. “Looking good, I see. What the fuck are you doing here, Pedro?”

Taking a long drag from the Mayfair fag, she stands now, holding one hand on her left bicep and blows smoke straight at me. “Just having a stroll in this shithole. Got one I could pinch?”

She offers one before I can finish my sentence, and I act cool about it. Getting one, she lights it with hers and passes it along. Her fingers touch, but they’re warm. Warm like fire. Mine are ice, and she quickly jerks them away. “You look wasted. Good night then?”

We shoot the shit for a few more minutes, but it seems like hours long. She seemed to listen and laugh, and for some reason, listen. This was shocking, but I downplayed it as much as I could. I also try not to let on that my balls are freezing and pretty soon I won’t be able to feel anything again. I’ve had a few and that’s helped, but there’s a threshold for everything and everyone.

But she distracts this coldness with her casualness. Another cigarette, another set of jokes and lines you wouldn’t want to repeat to anyone, ever. As I finally pluck the courage to as her for directions, she interrupts me by asking a question. “D’you wanna come in?” I’m a bit shocked, but don’t show it. Well, I’m wasted so I think I don’t show it. “Yeah, if that’s cool with you.”

She half smiles, and pushes a door open, walks in and then looks at me. Then I do the same and shut the door, quietly. I must be wasted. “Crash on the couch if you like.” I’ll still say this, it’s been a rough few hours, I’m standing inside this one floor flat, on the kitchen tiles, with a cup of tea, in a double bed sheet, looking worse for wear, but I need some form of warmth. “Thanks. For like…”

Then she sits next to me on the huge ripped up leather sofa, and grabs my shoulder, pulling half of me towards her. All of a sudden, the tea doesn’t matter. She starts to kiss me, and grabs onto me. Well, I drunkenly reciprocate, like anyone would. I don’t remember her name right now, but names got left on the doorstep. My hands on her torso, it’s odd, but amazing. I’m jerked towards her and then her room upstairs.

The next morning, I wake up, head smashed in like a box that’s been sat on by someone heavier than its contents, and the cup of tea’s there, lying on a mantelpiece, the cup grinning its message Have a nice day! whilst I try to contemplate just where the hell I am.

Her and everything hits me suddenly, and I smile, but still grimace. I’m missing my toga sheet. All I’ve got are pants, a phone, wallet full of receipts and two shoes with odd socks. Where the fuck is my sheet?

As much as I search I can’t find it. Instead, the smell of last night lingers. Her perfume. 

But what was her name?

The Ocean of Storms

///MESSAGE ALPHA ONE CLEARANCE RECEIVED AT 02:10AM\\\-----

Please, whoever this reaches, this is an ALPHA ONE MESSAGE. I repeat, an ALPHA ONE MESSAGE.

This is former Captain Leon Temple of the UFA vessel Fortuna speaking.

I guess this is my last message, as it's too late to save me. I pray to God that somehow this will reach Terra Major in time, but if it doesn’t, then may God be with us all. If you don’t find the vessel and me in time, you must destroy the ship. I repeat, you must destroy the Fortuna.

It's been 12 days since the incident occurred. We landed midday on April 24^th 2030, with minimal damage report, stable ground logistics and an all green from Cape Julius. I was part of the first exploring team mission sent to extrapolate and correlate data on activity found in a region of Luna 1, on the dark side of the moon. A place registered by scientists as The Ocean of Storms. But no one had a clue as to what we would find.

Where do I begin?

God, how the hell can I explain this?

You must believe me. I found it hard to believe at first, as everyone else did, and now everyone is just me. Everyone is dead. Please, believe me. You have to.

After reaching our point of destination, the scanners immediately picked up electromagnetic disturbance, the likes of which put functions and sensors miles off course. This should have been the first warning sign, but our three expedition members; UFA’s Major Fox, Sergeant Richards, and Private Mason all were set on being the first recon team to reach the first five miles of The Ocean.

As they reached the inside boundaries of the dead crater, one of the terraforming vehicles started to read correspondence from inside the vessel. They had reached their destination within optimum time, and began to correlate data immediately upon arrival.

What they reported on their logs were signs of growth. Unbelievable growth. There had never been any activity ever on the moon, and within this one territory, sudden activity meant everything had changed.

It was at first containable. The specimens and samples taken from Site 1 on The Ocean of Storms was unlike any form of life we, mankind, had ever encountered before. It seemed like the site, to be a pod of some sorts.

Science Division wanted it immediately quarantined, under orders of the UFC regulations, yet certain members of the crew believed it to be a threat if taken aboard. I made the decision to overrule Science and allow its transportation. If I had the chance, I would never have let that thing on board.

To this day I regret and take full responsibility for my actions. I am responsible for the deaths of over 45 crew members. My friends and their families. They are all dead, all because of me. Because of my decision. I’m still alive, barely, by the skin of my teeth. Just because I was smart enough to get out before it had the chance to get me.

My God... What have I done? What have I become?

I’ve let everything die. It’s all my fault, and I don’t know if I can carry on anymore.

Years of work, all gone, all wasted, billions lost, and all because of the discovery.

I managed to escape in an Medivac Pod, and currently I’m holding the last of the food/drink supplies. It’s been over a week, maybe longer, but out here, the machines are malfunctioning. I don’t know what time it is right now. I can’t think about it. Everything is gone to shit. Everything.

I’ve never been so scared in my life before, of what’s out there. I know it’s waiting for me. It knows I know, somehow. I don’t know how the hell I know this, but I just do.

It mocks me, The Ocean of Storms. The waves of electromagnetism, they look as if they lie still, dormant, almost peaceful. Yet, they are ever changing. They are violent. From time to time, the shields and hull sometime feel the forces hit as hard as a photon shot and causes everything to rock.

You’ve gotta believe me when I say that it is alive. The Ocean is alive. It’s not what it seems at all Goddammit, it’s not just a huge hole on a planet. Something must have hit it, like a meteorite, something must have caused some form of a fissure to split the surface of the rock. Or whatever hit it must have had something on it which landed, because we’ve studied this piece of crud for years, and nothing lives on this. Nothing.

Sometimes, I ponder on whether or not mankind made the right decision, to explore, to wonder into the vast great unknown and stick their greedy fucking noses into something which absolutely no one could understand.

I have gazed into the craters, into the deadlands of Luna 1, and it has stared back at me. I have seen forever, in the glimpse of a servo eye, and it has a mask on. It wears the face of death.

This will be the last entry. I can't live in fear anymore. 

Oh, who am I kidding? I died a long time ago. I've got to leave, before it is too late.

I've become trapped, trapped upon this vessel; this ship. No. not a ship. A prison.

I hear noises. Scraping noises. They’re calling out.

I’ve got to go now. May God be with us all.

-----///END OF MESSAGE\\\

Blood and Wolf

The wolf’s moon is coming,

Lands once prosperous now harvest nothing,

We hear the howls of day and night,

For man a sky lies in darkest shadow that once shone bright.

Blood Moon had passed, and Snow and Oak too,

The starting winter comes around and through,

October’s Luna stains red the sky,

Here a dark season will come to lie.

Come Novembertime we stand on unsteady ground,

Little or no food has been saved or found,

No water arrives from our air,

Once more the moon tests our prayer.

As logs are cut and thrown onto fires,

The winter winds still cover us in a great white attire,

We must survive come moons of new,

For what is life without living tests through.

Paradise.

And...
Go!

We run away, to the secrets, to the treasure no one knows exists. It's a place whose beauty is unparalleled. You wouldn't see it if you blinked.

We climb off the trams, hearing electricity sparkle and spit at the sky lines, and our little feet can't carry the excitement we bear.

Young, hopeless and lost in a world we'll never see again. You hold onto nothing but the air, and you're close. Very close.

There's a sun shining, there's a place undiscovered, unnoticed but not unloved.
Still, the day's cigarette burns slowly. You adore the summer, and you are in love with this secret place.

It's not hidden, it exists but people seem to like the beach instead. You hate it, the sand. through your little wriggling toes, it hurts when you walk home. But here. Here, it's safe. It's your friend. It's your place.

Leave me to climb the steel. I'm good. I'm too young to know, and too tall to play. But I still play.

The floor, stained with wood chips, hurts softly when I land, but I laugh it off and do the same routine a thousand times over.

I'm covered in dirt. Terrified. It's sunny weather shaded by trees surrounding this vestige of safety. 

We look a messy blur, but we always will act as kids. Give me a hand please. I need to get up, and there's a hand willing. Your hand is gripped and a smile stays on the face. 

You feel like nothing is wrong is the world, because you haven't discovered reality yet. You stay inside this paradise, laughing endless hours away and realise that there is nothing you need except the space to play and be.

I'm here, on top of it all. This cobalt blue steel cable jump is ancient. Thirty or fourty years separate you and this object, but you share the emotions and memories of thousands of others that have attempted and achieved what you have, but for now you do not know this. You are innocence.

Ready to jump, ready to let go of everything for that feeling. That notion, of freedom. That one thing you chase eternally, mortally. You have it as a 6 year old you. Now you know what it was like. Freedom.

My hands reach out to paradise,  but it never calls home.

It stays and waves goodbye with a dry breeze.

Asleep.

And in that one moment, I swore we were but infinite.

Sing to me.
To dream, I desire.
I define your words of tire, to bed.
Where it remains, a place of security.
Just asleep, and then leave me be.

Don't try to wake me, you know I'll be gone.
Never feel for me, I'd want you to know.
Deep in the cells of this small heart, I'll feel you.
So.

I don't want to wake up on my own anymore.
I don't want to wake up.
On my own.
Anymore.

Don't you dare feel for me, I want you know.
Deep in these cells of mine.
My heart, I have to go.

There is another world.
Is there.
There is a better world.
There is.

Oh there must be.
Well, there must be.
Oh.
There must be.
Well, there must be, well.

Review: The King of Limbs

10/10

Rarely you get an album that remains completely flawless. But with The King of Limbs, Radiohead achieve this with absolute ease. All that’s been said before about them is in the journals of music history, but with this one album, an 8 track wonder is what they’ve spawned. It’s not the album of the decade or anything, but it’s a definite shoe-in for album of the month, if not year, and it’s only February.

Thom Yorke and co.’s “less is more” approach works beautifully throughout the course, with arrangements of just certain notes allowing vast amounts of time for you to cherish and appreciate the album like a fine and ageing wine. Without a doubt, the choice made by the band to not market this to its hypest potential and allow something as brilliantly timed as this to nearly slip under the radar is simply remarkable.

Some would mark this as a compilation album conjured up from Yorke’s solo career and leftover bits of track from the In Rainbows days, but I’d beg to differ, as it deserves more recognition than that. Originally not such a fan of Radiohead, both the latter album mentioned and this one resonate and facilitate the abilities to reel in people who sit on fences and make you appreciate the delicacy and focus of British rock music.

Greenwood’s drumming is put to most effect with the lead single, a stunning title to a stand out song, ‘Lotus Flower’, one which eschews both moving poignancy and jazz like feelings, motions of both body and mind intertwining, entering into your mind like a virus by taking root and burrowing for quite some time until you want to thrust along without a care.

It’s something worth more than checking out, whether you’re driving home, whether you’re off to a gig, when you’re waking up, it’s a transcendental masterpiece du jour which I implore you to hear if you’re after something with weight, presence, and beauty.

Cup of tea, was it?

Sitting soaked on a terrible 1970s plastic seat inside what can only be described as the remnants of a once busy café, I stare emptily at the dirty glass windowpane, wondering where in the hell they are. Literally pounding away onto the glass, the rain decides to create a curtain of water which makes it even harder to spot the blurred figures going back and forth in a hurry. I notice my hands start to shake on the steaming cup of tea I ordered three minutes ago.

It’s ridiculously hot, or am I just bloody freezing? I don’t know, or care.  All I know is that I’m waiting here for a person to show up who’s already 25 minutes late, and this worries me, and makes me overthink, spouting dumb rhetoric like ‘What happened last night?’ , or ‘Am I at the right place like they said?’. Instead I try to distract myself.  Putting my hand into a pocket, I look for my iPod to try and pass the time, but then I realize I left it  at home. Shit.

I sigh, then try to inhale some of the sludge they serve in this dingy and dilapidated café, whilst still trying to pretend to look comfortable on these unfitting chairs. The radio blares away some static like pop drivel from an American artist picked top of the mundane week’s releases, and ignoring this as background noise, I focus on everything and nothing around me.

I notice how everything is beige. The Artex walls, the doors, the chairs a faded brown and even the laminate carpet they left behind from the 1950s still lingers. Even the food and drink looks and tastes it. I keep on checking my phone every half minute or so, lying to myself that I missed a text or a call, and then keep on putting it back in my coat pocket, whilst repeating this same routine for say another ten minutes.

There’s nothing here except some middle aged couple who also remind me of the same colour that suffocates this gaff; a sense of life faded and gone askew, somehow living an average life with some average experiences, an average house, an average job, an average car, average friends, average, or as I call it, living an existence of nothingness.  

They seem to be stuck into a deep conversation at the far righthand side of the greasy spoon, yet don’t even bat an eyelid towards each other. Both seem to have given up on even speaking in terms of eye contact, their words seem to drop onto the table and drag themselves towards the other, and vice versa.

The table is an ADD’s paradise; one all symmetrically aligned, cups all facing towards each other and everything lined up, even the plates where their disgusting Full English once was also shows this eerie symmetrical pattern. A couple objects of no importance also seem to be next to the woman, with a re-read Take A Look magazine spread sitting plump next to the condiments they used for their breakfast.

All they do is just sit their silently, just mumbling wordless speech towards each other, and I still feel entranced. Just looking at their blank gazes and cold faces, I listen to what they’ve got to say. When one of them moves their hand the other one coughs and then she jumps out the chair screaming, yelling at him those six simple yet shocking words.

‘I wish I never met you.'

The Ballad of Beasts and Seasons

Tragedy befell our little town,
Little Red's world turned upside down,
Her grandmother dearest gone,
Taken by the Beast,
A lonely year arrives,
One with no feasts.

Oh! the people mourned for their favourite elderly,
A week of sombre mourning and quiet misery,
Black laden sheets lay,
Spread on curtains, banisters and seats,
Candles lit outside all their little places,
The town of Evermore changed forever as you gaze on the faces.

Autumn passes and winter fell,
Suns fade as Luna cast her spell
Children once outside all day playing
Inside their rooms they were now staying,
How the Beast howled down,
As shadow came slowly upon this little town.

Winter leaves its coat and spring comes around,
Little buds popped up and flowers spring from the ground,
The children play again as life returns with zest,
Not for long and never near the shaded forest
But behold, on silent nights,
The Beast returns to scream and stir many a fright.

When spring says goodbye and summer hello,
As the long grass grew once more so,
The town amok with heat aplenty,
Pales on shoulders remained empty,
Our sun lingered long and the nights were shy,
Once more stirred the Beast with a feral cry.

But this cry was not like Beast,
One if heard again it would be with displease,
An eternal voice
Borne not from choice,
Grandmother's cackle no doubt,
Hers which remains a haunting shout.

Prince, unsatisfied

Prince, unsatisfied
He remains waiting
Wants and needs
A princess he seeks
He's lost
Looking for his one
He scours the lands


Method up his sleeve
Hours and days pass
Requests sent and some reply
They arrive to sleep
Sleep, under a tower of beds
No feeling is felt
Instead disappointment and regret


Lying there to be found
Inside sheets of ground
They still remain numb
The prince remains, unsatisfied
He waits for the one
Relentless yet
Still


Awake, she comes saying
"I couldn't sleep, something pressed on me"
Joy for our prince
Searching for she
Once a prince, now a king,
Young man,
Now a man satisfied.

Today...

It's my birthday, so this'll be a short blog.

Hope everyone has a kickass day, I know I will!

Nightswimming.

Sometimes, you get that feeling of hearing one thing, and you keep saying to yourself, 'I can't stop listening to it'. Without a doubt, R.E.M's magnum opus in my opinion. A song of purity, of escape, of a moment trapped in a mind, once upon a time.

Every time I hear this song in the background, or on the radio, or sometimes on my iPod, I get this feeling, of summer 2008, where everything seemed so easy, so relaxed, and so useless. All I did was smoke pot, drink booze with friends and go to house parties, beaches, and parks. I sat on swings, laughing away to the early mornings, walking back without any care at all about my future.

Knowing that there was always another day to change my life around, I squandered, acting stereotypically teenager like, and loving the parody I became, I remained that foolish. Jobs, family, and food weren't an issue, friends were. Love was.

I reminisce with care, and try to picture my being then. I wore a bee suit to a party full of sixth formers, me being a year below but seeing someone older, I never thought the house I stood in was anything I'd seen. Not a mansion, but an actual self decorated, self designed building, shaped in an abstract shape of the bow of a boat. That's one of the first few times I fell in a kind of love for a house.

I cared a bit for this girl, remembering the times we jumped on a bus after a gig, slowly drifting away to the sounds of the Smiths' 'There Is A Light That Never Goes Out', smiling softly at our faces. We shared meals, walks on beaches and parties, both of us the exact opposites, me, an outcast guy who happened to be a captain for the basketball team, herself an Oxbridge certain, with manners I still won't understand today.

When summer 2008 ended, so did contact, she left for uni, and I stayed behind. Kept on somehow trudging through A Levels and life, but I did it in a more mature way. I understood that loss is also gaining. Some people say that if you keep on lingering about the past, it can haunt you. It can cause you to act foolish in the future.

When I saw R.E.M. a year or two ago, I remembered the power a song has in connection to a moment. Some have profound meanings, and I wouldn't give up my memories for any amount of money. No matter what happens, when I listen to Nightswimming, I feel happy. Happy that I was there, in that moment, sharing that thought or feeling.

Walk.

And as I reached across that space, all I saw was the nothing that left them behind.

It is wonderful. My own self, nowhere but above me in a flash, I see I'm gone, a mess of sorts. I laugh, and it laughs too.

The vast distance only covered in less than seconds, by sheer force of mind. A relentlessness force beckoned, threw me, and then gazed upon my bloodied arms. Inject me with poison, why don't you?

Motion is non existent, and useless. I have no guidance now, and fear I left behind along with the 5 pound note on the bar. We seem to have frozen as we walk along in shapeless circles. But I still smile. Away from the joke that was tonight, and alongside warmth. It's inviting.

How harsh it seems, the streets are all paved of shit and empty kebab polystyrene boxes, we evade and slowly dance away. I feel dead, but so damn alive, it's a combination you know if you've experienced it.

Alcohol and minus degrees combine to alleviate any barbs in my skin. They feel alien, and again I can't stop a chuckle. Constant invasion of mind is imminent. Apparently I've disappeared, yet I am here. The winds pick up, and more and more I relinquish the decision to steal my warmth back. But I won't.

Lights on the dilapidated pier seem to dim across the night sky, but my attention doesn't appear to be there, I'll let my subconscious have it. Ego needing a feed, I do feel more than drunk, or even whenever, a high. I'm
not aware of such a crushing and holding creation named time. There is no time.

We turn and face the city. It still lives, somehow. And walking returns to the picture. I say good morning, instead of goodnight, then make my way back in an unorderly fashion. I arrive, open up and stand  inside the cage, an elevator they call it, dimly lit and filled with boorish faces, all seemed shocked at my condition. I stifle laughter and eject vomit instead.

The Biggest Regret

Hey..

I know you're bad sometimes with words, and letting people in, and I guessed you're a bit of a nervous kind of human. But with you, I feel you shine. I feel you're different, you're confident, you're you, but more than you. Like a mega you. I know it sounds silly, and I know I should try to be more creative in terms of writing, but I find now the correct term you used when we met was 'found' too. I just didn't know what to say. I haven't got any talent, some people think I'm okay at sports, or a short story, but I'm useless in life and love.

I mean it that whenever I was around you, it was more than wonderful. But I didn't understand why I didn't make a move. That I decided to act so late was the biggest mistake I made. I remember that day we spoke in that room for the first time and I listened to you only saying to words two me, and you admitted you didn't know how to act around new people.

I was fine with that, because I wanted you to feel comfortable around me, not scared. I'm so glad I did because if not I wouldn't have ever met someone as amazing as you. You define that word. You define a thousand words. But I let you go. I hope one day I understand that sometimes taking risks is worth it, instead of being left in a situation of meaningless motions.

You've been more than a great friend to me and I just wish I was a better person to you. You make me feel so much more than what I do feel now, whenever I'm around you, and the time you were at mine I've never fallen asleep and woken up like that before. Feeling secure. When I think about it, I cherish that moment. That might have been one of the moments I'll never forget.

I know and did what I said I would, and believe me, I regret just letting go like that. It was without a doubt the step I needed to take but if I could take a step back and give it all away, for a moment I would, just to see you again and make you smile. I know you're happy wherever you are, and one day we'll meet again.

I need to stop writing this, and I know you won't read this, but trust me when I say a part of me will always be yours too.

The Pool

You dip. It's cold. You're scared.

It seems so nice, you're unsure. The water looks and seems deep. The feet start to feel what the body sees. It's tempting. You're shaking all over. You don't seem ready, but you relent. It's time. Hands on the edge, you move your body inside. It's new, this feeling. Unnerving, sure. But you carry on. You try to ignore everything but the water. Move, from side to side. Hands start to feel warmer.

The body is still worried, this territory new, but you move again and with more reythmn. It is new. You're ok. Just don't drift in too deep, they say. Take your time. The feet find its way, with a kick. Your body jolts. You start to feel better, but still you're so worried. The warmth comforts. Calm. Stay calm. You're safe.

Advance further, from one side to another, and you know, you're fine. You're not alone, you're in a good place. Keep on. It starts to feel natural, that's the closest word you can think of, but its not that word. The pool ripples. It's not cold anymore. Feel the waves, soft yet constant. Your fear starts to subside. Your motions are one with the water.

Concentrate now. Remain one. You're ok. You're more comfortable by each little moment that passes. You start to smile. There's nothing to worry about and you reach the end with some time to spare. As your feet start to move closer to steps, you still try to keep a pace, but you've got a little time left. You get out slowly, exhausted, happy.

You've changed. Breathe. A shower later, you again have to take that look off your face. You've got a lot to learn, but you've got so much time, and you know you'll find yourself in the water again somewhen.

Me and You.

I had a dream that I knew you. And I walked you home, but you hurt your ankle, trying to impress those on the stage. I carried you through a suburban neighbourhood, and you said, 'It's been a  few good days.' I smiled, nodded and tried not to stare into the sun. 'But come September...' And there and then, the smile was gone, faded like the sunset in the distance. 'I know,'  I replied. 'It's going to be hard.'

We were in Paris together. The hotel window gave a midnight breeze, an impression of a French city full of wonder and mystery, dipped in neon lights, and we locked eyes again. "Kiss me" seemed the words running in my head that moment, and I just look down with that smile I try to hide from you, but you manage to catch it. Then you take the words right of my mouth when you move and your lips move too.

I was in Paris, staring at the Arc De Triomphe from a 5000 number hotel room, and you smiled. 'Happy Christmas.' It was the sweetest dream I ever had, not the oddest one, or even the most vivid one, but a sweet dream. But, they always have a way of being just that, dreams.

Welcome to Russia. Pt.1

So here I was, a mere million miles away from home, in a country where capitalism had just landed. The first sight of Russia was more than a shock. Armed guards with beer bellies and mullets alongside AK47s waiting next to the Visa/Passport Check In area, both of them old, chain smoking and hassling people who might have uttered something under their breath. Anyways, we all put brave faces and pass the derelict check-in area, leaving the 1970s era deadbeat airport to go outside and wait for our coach.


We stepped outside, expecting awe-inspiring buildings and statues of importance, a vast land of beauty and Polka music. Well, we got the latter, and instead of the former, what our group first saw was areas of half finished construction sites, a furore of ridiculously loud congestive Russian traffic and to top it all off, the most awfully shit Russian ballad singers of all time on some radio station. I nursed my jet lag with my Russian hat and tried desperately to fall asleep. All I kept seeing and blinking at were snippets of countryside, upon unfinished construction, upon countryside, with the odd occasional gypsy on the road or on a horse, and countless Lada’s.


To say Russians don’t drive well isn’t an understatement, it’s a massive one. When I say this, I mean, they drive like lunatics. To them, there is no Highway Code. Imagine Mad Max 2, then multiply the amount of cars by a billion. It literally is Lada eat Lada out there. ‘Get out my way, bitch or I’ll make you wish you were never born’ is a friendly way of putting it. The coach nearly crashes twice on the way because of these spectacular stunt driver types on the roads, a car missing its front doors jutting from lane to lane jumping without any indication in a beat up 1950s piece-of-shit-mobile, with, I kid you not, tables strapped on top of its roof.


As we move from mundane and crap countryside into urbanized areas, the amount of these Mad Max wannabes multiply like flies around a turd, with taxis simply are shells, two to three doors and a few under pressured tires. Road rage is putting it lightly. Honestly, Ben Hur ain’t got shit on Russia. As we enter St. Petersberg, I start to gaze at the eccentricity and bombasticity of the brilliant architecture, the immense space filled and surrounded by noise, commotion and light. I’m for the first in many times on this trip, literally stunned.


However, what stuns me the most isn’t the drivers. It isn’t this stench of 1970s. It isn’t even the whole Twisted Metal feel of the roads and the insane car skills on display, no. What shocks me happens directly outside my hotel. As we arrive near the entrance of the hotel, a huge beige block of glass and concrete, we all bear witness to some poor bastard lying on the ground in the middle of the road (No, no Tenacious D impressions, please.), who a mere 10 minutes before we arrives was hit by, yeah you guessed it, a Lada. 


His body lays sprawled on the floor, the most awkward position ever. A shattered and broken body left limp and alone, a mess of what was a man, not a single person trying to help him or go to see if he’s still breathing. He’s missing a shoe. 25 feet from where his body hit the ground, his shoe lays askew and upright against a sidewalk. I can’t believe it, I expected troika dancers, not a casualty from a hit and run.


But, once again, a story wouldn’t be without an ending. The final scene which caused everyone to laugh nervously wasn’t just the dead guy. It was the gypsy lady coming across to see if he’s alive, then taking his sprawled shopping and walking off without a care in the world. Welcome to Russia.

Review: Tron: Legacy

Tron: Legacy? More like Tron: Fallacy.

A visual masterpiece, one which is only let down by its inadequate and clichéd script. As a sequel, Tron: Legacy still pleases, managing to bridge the nearly 30 year gap, and no doubt it’s the best 3D event since Avatar.

However, it suffers greatly due to a very weak and very clichéd plot, which is in dire need of an upgrade. To live up to the name Tron made over two decades ago, this film delivers a sense overload which saves it and will make you want to see it again and again, giving something I’d describe as a visual-gasm.

Following the recent surge in 3D blockbusters, it retains fantastic  HD set pieces, incorporating the former film’s fun ideas of light cycles, colours and computers and modernising the mise en scene with a bleak yet brilliant electroluminescent landscape. Unarguably both beautiful to see both in 2D and 3D, it unfortunately suffers due to the lack of a defined, lean, and friendly script, one which managed to encapsulate audiences of the first film.

Being a bit of a Tron fan myself, I was stunned by the breathtaking special and visual effects employed throughout, in addition to the excellent electronic accompanying soundtrack penned by the French dance maestros, Daft Punk.

Yet, with a plot that remains bleak, biblical and at various times boring, Tron: Legacy seems to convey the message: “Throw as much sfx as we can to hide this gaping hole and see if they notice”. Packed full of explosive and intense special effects which will please the fans and also those new to the Tron franchise, this is still one movie I‘d definitely recommend catching.

Set 18 years after the original 1982 cult classic, we follow the story of Sam Flynn (Garrett Hudlund), son of the infamous Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges). Sam’s father, the former president of Encom (Disney’s depiction of IBM, no doubt), mysteriously disappears. Missing for almost two decades, Sam grows up bitter and hardened, and nothing is heard.

That is, until a message appears at the old office of his missing dad.  Sam deciding to investigate, he finds himself in a situation much bigger than he ever expected.  Sucked into a virtual reality called the Grid, we follow a rip roaring journey filled with stunning set pieces which will entice you to talk about the film for hours after seeing it.

Look, but don't stare.

I'm staring across the nightlights of this vast city, seeing no signs of motion, just a faint blur or a flicker of life. It's only 7.30pm, but it feels more like midnight. I stare, and don't pay attention to anything, the vibration of the phone, the hum and bass thudding away from some metal band in my background.

I see nothing at all except silence. Peace, and no noise. Then, equilibrium is interrupted. My zen, set back, I fall back on the side of the bed, and try to concentrate on what day it is, what year it is, and where I am. I'm here. But where's here? What difference does it make? I keep on throwing questions to caution myself, but in the end we're all left with no answers, just another blank page.

I can't think. I try to think about thinking, but my mind is a blank, as blank as the mocking pages all lined up in front of me. I once again prepare myself to think, and still, I can't. I need a form of release. Not alcohol, we all know where that ends up. Me talking more than the usual bullshit. I haven't got a desire for drugs, that's the old me, the one i left behind in another country. I need me the sweetest, hottest and most lusicious cup of tea.

I check the fridge, and utter a curse. The milk's near to curdling. I think about throwing it away. But I can't. It's such a waste, to just throw it away. I put it back, think for a second, check the cupboards. Shit. No tea bags. Where the hell are my 80 teab.. Realising I left them behind in a flat just below me, I decide to take a trip. The hallway is dimmer than usual, the lights flicker as if I star inside a horror movie. The corridors are eerie, due to the lack of noise and tenants. It's odd that I miss the shitty pop being played next door.

Now, as I descend down these long corridors, I notice one thing. There's no warmth. No sign of heat. It's dead cold, as cold as a fresh corpse inside a morgue, I don't feel it untill I get to the elevators. The elevator takes a century to come up. I hear the gears, grinding away as the 5 inch thick cable pulls its empty shell towards the 4th floor.

As the doors open, I look behind me. It's weird. Something's not right now. The lights aren't on on 4th. I step in, I try not to think about it, and press the button, making my way to 3rd. I wait for a second, the it stops. I laugh nervously, and the door opens. It doesn't open on 3rd though. I must've pressed the wrong button, and press 3 once more (I'm sure I did, but what the hell) and then it opens again. On 4th floor.

I get out, and as I do, the doors snap shut. My right thumb could've been taken from me, and I jump away from it. I'm freaked out. I realise the light above me is starting to dim. I'm not liking this one bit, so I take the stairs. I seem to be doing fine, but as soon as I get down to first, I see there is no 1st floor. The doors just don't exist. I don't know what to do, and as I look up I see something.

New year, new post.

The clock hits 4 exact, I'm back here, inside this little room of mine, listening to some dubstep and thinking about what this new year could have in store for me. I hope its some good times, some fun times, I know it'll bring a few harsh times, but that's how it goes. I just spent three weeks on the Isle of Wight, a place I'm far too familiar with, known for its lack of any visible life, the worst bus service this side of the Western hemisphere,and its popular nickname being 'God's waiting room'. Fun.

No, I've gotta admit, the worst thing people could do is try to be happy through the holidays, just pretending to be all happy families. luckily, I didn't have to sit through that ordeal, instead I had to be pretending that I was happy to answer the same question a hundred times, also having to have the awkward moments with people I used to know but sort of lost contact with during the move to Pompey. Oh, and throw in a couple exes who just turn out to be as useless and vitriolic as before, plus add in an unrequited love interest, it's been so peachy.

Actually, I loved several things. The days in bed, where I could sleep in 'till 12, because being honest, I haven't had a decent night's sleep without a train in the background for three months. The times where old friends invited me out and also run ins with people and having the sense of being still known here. I also missed the meals, the family meals. Christmas was lovely. Whole day of being as lazy as humanly possible, eating too much and watching a whole year's worth of films and TV in the space of a day.

New Years Eve was as always a drinkathon. I just guzzled all the way through untill 4 in the morning, only stopping to pass out. The party kicked ass, I did things I don't regret, but I'll remember for a while probably. But what I loved the most, was being there knowing that when I got back to Portsmouth I'd be able to leave all my past behind. All my mistakes, all my errors, all my slip ups, all my hang ups and definitely all my problems.

It's good to be home again.